"Most couples I encounter in my counseling office have dreams of how wonderful their marriage would be if only. The if only statements almost always focus on things they wish their spouse would change. ...
"Here are the guidelines for making requests.
- Limit your requests to one every other week. (That's 26 requests a year. If you could see 26 things change, would that be a good year for you?)
- Never make a request when your spouse is hungry or tired.
- Always make your requests in private—never in front of other people. When you bring up something in front of others, it becomes a putdown to your spouse.
- Ask if your spouse is emotionally ready for you to make your request.
For example, "Would this be a good night for me to make a request of you or would it be better to wait?" This respects the emotional state of your spouse and gives the right to select a more appropriate time. - Precede your request with at least three compliments.
A husband might say, "Before I share my request, let me tell you how much I appreciate the fact that you cook good meals for the children and me. I really appreciate all the work you invest in doing that. Secondly, I want you to know how much I appreciate the fact that you take my shirts to the laundry each week. That's a real help to me. Thirdly, I want you to know how much I appreciate your involvement at church. It makes me feel good when I see you singing in the choir. Bottom line, I really like you. Now, here's my request. Would it be possible for you to get the hairs out of the sink before you leave the bathroom?""
~ Gary D. Chapman, Ph.D., author of The Chapman Guide to Negotiating Change with Your Spouse
(Tyndale House)
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